WHEN FRIENDSHIPS GO BAD

I was 18 and a college freshman when Roni and I met. She was 28 and had a master's degree, but was in a career crisis. She no longer wanted to teach, which is how she wound up working at the same dive bar I did. We were different in many ways, not the least of which was that my family background was fractured. When we met, I'd just aged out of foster care. Roni's family was stable and solidly upper-middle-class. But because we were both at a crossroads in our lives, we bonded on a deep emotional level, doing everything together that best friends do. We shopped, partied, cried and dreamed--and at alternating moments, we saved each other.

When I decided to leave school to make more money working full-time, it was Roni who pushed me not to, reminding me that getting a bachelor's degree had been my goal. With her encouragement, I reenrolled in school and completed my studies. And I still remember the night I stayed with her because she was too scared to be alone when she told her parasitic boyfriend he had to leave their apartment.

Over five years, we shared every aspect of our lives. But then Roni's life went in a new direction. While still working at the bar, she'd begun building a career as an advertising sales rep. Then she fell in love and became engaged. Eventually, we stopped speaking every day, and when we did talk her voice was distant. Roni was definitely too busy to see me as much as she had before. When I confronted her about it, she suggested I was imagining things.

By the time she wed, we weren't best friends anymore, although she claimed we were and said we'd be friends forever. It wasn't true. Roni moved to the West Coast and we lost touch. I was 23 by then, and the excruciating pain I felt at losing her friendship--which brought back all the losses I'd endured with my family--lasted for years and was worse than any pain I felt after breakups with men.

When a Friendship Falls Apart

Nothing prepares you for the day you realize a close friendship is over. Whether it's been suddenly destroyed by an act of betrayal or dies slowly of benign neglect, few life changes are as unforgettable and regrettable as learning that your main girl, whom you just knew you could count on, no longer has your back.

Often the hardest part is accepting it and moving on. There's no shortage of smart advice on how to recover when a love affair ends. But how do you process the pain when a best girlfriend breaks your heart? Who do you turn to for advice when your ace boon and number one confidante--who always had solutions for you--has now become the problem?

For women, the loss can be especially painful because we invest so much in our friendships. For Black women, our close bond with other women is deeply rooted in our history. "Our connection to one another was what it took to endure something as devastating as slavery," says Brenda Wade, Ph.D., a San Francisco psychologist. "Back then, even Black women who didn't know one another would offer help, food, care for our kids. Our lives depended on it."

Today, in a world rife with racism and sexism, the bond between Black women remains a critical source of support. Who knows our unique struggles better than another sister?

Still, even the most cherished friendships sometimes fail miserably. With Roni and me, I'm convinced that ours ended because, while I was integral to her "makeshift" life, I wasn't relevant once she settled down. "Developmental issues are the main reason for friendship fallout," explains Marlene F. Watson, Ph.D., director of couples and family therapy at Drexel University in Philadelphia. "What you used to have in common changes. Maybe your girlfriend gets married, or she becomes a mother, so the two of you no longer socialize because she doesn't have time for that sort of thing anymore."

Crossing the Fine Line: Lanette's Story

We often assume that a best friend is someone with whom we can discuss anything, only to discover that our honesty isn't appreciated. "Our expectations of each other--what we can handle, what we're willing to tolerate--can cause major misunderstandings," explains Watson. There must be a way for expectations to be mutually understood for a friendship to be successful. Without this understanding, Watson says, friends wind up reading from different "contracts" and unwittingly hurt each other.

In hindsight, Lanette Smith, 35, would have to agree. She lost her best friend, Candace, nine years ago because of a glitch in their contract. They were friends since college, and Lanette moved to Chicago--where Candace lived--to begin her advertising career. By chance she found an apartment in the same building Mark, Candace's boyfriend, lived in. To Lanette's horror, she discovered one day that Mark was cheating on Candace. "I told her, and she was furious with me," Lanette recalls. Although Candace ended her relationship with Mark, she also immediately cut off her friendship with Lanette. "We haven't spoken since, but I felt I did the fight thing," she admits.

And perhaps she did. But perhaps Candace was the type of person who didn't want to know--or didn't want to be told by her friend--how badly her man was treating her. Watson believes that such misunderstandings can be avoided. She thinks Lanette and Candace's friendship may have fared better if Lanette had found a non-threatening way to feel her friend out--like asking her girlfriend what she would like her to do if she ever saw her boyfriend kissing another woman--before telling her what she'd seen. It would have given Candace the opportunity to determine how she wanted to be treated in this kind of situation. Such candid conversations, while they may run counter to our socialization, are the foundation for a solid friendship, according to Watson. "Be clear about the terms of your friendship contract, and you'll be amazed at the problems you can avoid down the line," she advises.

Violating the Code: Theresa's Story

Sex with your girl's man is, of course, the ultimate betrayal, a sure way to destroy a friendship forever. Theresa Harris, a 32-year-old singer and mother, discovered this when her best friend, Faith, slept with her husband.

Theresa and Faith met in Atlanta eight years ago, when Theresa was working as a volunteer at a Christian university where her husband, Paul, a minister, led the school's choir. Faith was a student at the university and a choir member. Although Faith was four years younger than Theresa, they established a deep friendship. "I felt a real connection to her," remembers Theresa. "It was like having the younger sister I'd always wanted." The relationship was of particular significance to Theresa because the rest of her family lived in New York.

Over their close five-year relationship, Theresa treated Faith as if she were part of her family. "Her presence comforted me," Theresa recalls. "We shared everything--from clothes to secrets. I could talk with her about anything."

One day a woman in the church pulled Theresa aside and gave her the news that Paul was having an affair with Faith. Her whole world came undone. "I cannot describe the devastation I felt," she says. "I didn't see the betrayal coming at all. Not with my husband, not with her."

How could this happen? Experts lay some of the blame on a belief system in which women are taught to value men above all else. "If we buy into this system," says Watson, "then we'll go to any lengths to get a man--even if he happens to belong to someone else."

Many sisters also suffer from a scarcity mentality. "Time and time again we are told there aren't enough good Black men to go around," says Watson, "so we compete with one another but do ourselves a disservice in the process." She advises, "If you find yourself attracted to your friend's mate, don't put yourself in tricky situations, and definitely don't buy into the temptation, don't play around with him. In this game, there are no winners."

In Theresa's situation, there certainly weren't. Her life was completely shattered--as was her 7-year-old daughter's. Forced to uproot alter she divorced Paul, Theresa eventually moved back to New York to try to rebuild a life for herself and her daughter. Paul and Faith's relationship ended, and both were ostracized from the church and the community.

Perhaps because we live in a society in which men are often expected to cheat, a part of Theresa felt even more betrayed by Faith than by her husband. "I expected her always to have my best interests at heart," she concludes sadly.

"So often we don't place a high enough value on our sisterfriends--that's one of the big mistakes Faith made," says psychologist Wade. "Don't underestimate or undermine the value of having close girlfriends. They're your best allies against the harsh forces in the world." When you lose your close friends, she warns, you lose a major part of you.

Disappearing Acts: Sarah's Story

Sarah and Priscilla met at a temp job ten years ago and became close friends despite certain differences: Sarah was a homebody; Priscilla liked to party. "But we enjoyed talking about spiritual things," Sarah remembers. "She made me feel needed and brought out a maternal instinct in me."

When Priscilla became pregnant, she asked Sarah to be godmother to her child, Lisa. Sarah readily accepted and took her duties very seriously, spending enormous amounts of time with Lisa--more time even than she did with Priscilla. "I really loved my goddaughter. It brought so much to my life, being there for both of them," she says.

When Lisa was 4, Priscilla fell on hard times and had nowhere to live. "I let them stay in my apartment for eight months and didn't think anything about it," Sarah recalls. During that time, Priscilla got her finances together and got her own apartment. She and Sarah remained close.

But three years later, Priscilla called one day out of nowhere and ended the friendship. She also severed Sarah's duties as godmother--without any explanation. Sarah was shocked; they'd never argued before. She begged Priscilla to tell her what had made her so angry. Priscilla refused, and even dismissed Sarah's concern about Lisa. "I asked her, `What lesson do you think this will teach her--that people will disappear from her life without any explanation?'" Priscilla was silent. "It was clear that she'd made up her mind, and it didn't matter what I said," Sarah recalls.

Since that conversation, the two haven't spoken. The hurt, for Sarah, is still palpable--as is the confusion. Sarah is left to speculate about why Priscilla cut her off. She often wonders if she'd spent too much time with Lisa and somehow Priscilla felt neglected. She'll never know and says it's unfair to have been dumped without being given a reason. But Sarah, her tone soft, also says, "If Priscilla called tomorrow, I'd tell her, `I miss you' and embrace her."

Sarah and Priscilla's painful ending is a prime example of how poor communication can derail friendship. "Instead of discussing problems in a relationship, most of us simply cut the person off without saying anything because we're afraid of confrontation," says Watson. "We avoid conflict. We think it's better not to discuss touchy subjects, but that's not in the best interest of the other person."

When pushed, Sarah admits that she sensed Priscilla's frustration about the amount of time she spent with Lisa--and the lack of time it left for the two of them. But Sarah says that Priscilla never brought it up, so she didn't either.

But in the absence of extreme violations, if we must end a relationship with a sister, Wade says, do it with a measure of dignity and kindness. This lets both of you have closure and move on with one less gaping wound. And who deserves that more than Black women?

LEARNING TO LET GO

Psychologist Brenda Wade offers these suggestions on ways to heal.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CRY. Look at your sisterfriend breakup like any other major loss. Let yourself grieve. Express your wounded feelings to trusted family and friends. Many of us keep our negative feelings to ourselves. Not dealing with them means they never really go away.

TALK THE TALK. Not with her--but with yourself. If you don't keep a journal, now is the time to start. Write down your feelings and unexpressed thoughts--the ones the breakup left you with and the ones you never told her about when you were friends. Or write her a letter--one you don't have to send. Describe the wonderful memories you have of her, ask for forgiveness for specific things you may have done wrong, and offer her your forgiveness. Or say nothing at all. If you can't say anything good, then at least resist the temptation to bad-mouth her. It only keeps negative energy circulating.

by Deborah Gregory, Essence